A woman’s poignant reflection on her grandmother’s choices shines a light on the often unseen perseverance of patriarchy within families. In a heartfelt post on Reddit, she explores how her grandmother, despite having five daughters, perpetuated their submission to a patriarchal system through arranged marriages.
The writer begins by detailing her grandmother’s background. Hailing from a respectable family, her nani enjoyed a life of comfort with her husband, nanaji, who was both affluent and devoted to her. Their household was well-appointed, offering luxuries typical of their time, including domestic help and fine clothing. Yet, beneath this veneer of success lay an unyielding expectation: her role was to marry off her daughters, which she pursued with relentless determination.
The author reflects on the cultural history that might have shaped her grandmother’s actions. She draws parallels to Victorian practices where women were often treated as assets rather than individuals. While she grapples with understanding these societal norms, she is deeply troubled by the realization that the women who endured such oppression often perpetuated it. Her nani’s life seems to illustrate this cycle vividly.
The impact on her mother, the second daughter, is particularly striking. Married at 24, her mother faced a turbulent relationship with her in-laws, leading to two suicide attempts. In a moment of vulnerability, the author asked her mother why she returned to her husband after such turmoil, but no satisfactory answer emerged. The implication hangs heavy: a lack of support from her own mother—who chose to uphold societal norms rather than help her daughter escape an abusive situation—was a key factor in her return.
As the narrative unfolds, the author reveals a harrowing episode from her mother’s life. Pregnant with a third child and already raising two daughters, her mother was pressured by her mother-in-law to abort the pregnancy. The gruesome reality of this situation was compounded when her mother sought help from her own mother, who ultimately refused to intervene. Although her nani drew a line against what she deemed a sin, she walked away without standing up for her daughter.
The author reflects on her grandmother’s contradictory gestures. She recalls the times her nani would bless her grandchildren, thrusting money into their hands along with warm words about being daughters deserving of wealth. In hindsight, those blessings feel hollow. Instead of empowering her daughters with messages of independence, her nani allowed them to remain reliant on their husbands and in-laws, failing to instill in them the belief that escape was an option.
This legacy of dependency deeply affected the author’s mother. She managed to raise her daughters in a way that fostered independence, despite the setbacks she faced. The author, in her own experience of motherhood, grapples with the contrast between her life and her mother’s. Having had a stable home and giving birth at 32, she can only imagine the pressures her mother endured at a much younger age.
The narrator’s feelings toward her grandmother are complex. There is recognition of the difficult circumstances her nani faced, yet frustration lingers. She acknowledges that her grandmother was not a cruel woman, but one who chose the path of least resistance, failing to challenge the status quo that harmed her own daughters. The lingering thought is clear: some women perpetuate the very systems that oppress them, often the most damaging of which are the norms reinforced by familial figures.
Moreover, the author emphasizes that patriarchy is not only a construct imposed by men but is perpetuated by the women who uphold traditional roles without questioning them. She notes, “Patriarchy does not only live in the men who enforce it,” suggesting that the legacy of such oppression can find expression in the actions and choices of women who navigate their lives within the confines of societal expectations.
Many readers resonated with her story. One person told her, “It’s heartbreaking when the very people who should protect you end up reinforcing your chains.” Another reader noted how common such experiences are, as they often go unacknowledged in conversations about women’s liberation. The dialogue around these themes speaks to a broader understanding of how family dynamics can shape individual lives.
In her reflection, the author illustrates a complex and painful reality of living within a patriarchal society. Her story is not just about a grandmother’s actions but also about how those actions ripple through generations, affecting their choices and lives. The unresolved nature of her feelings toward her nani leaves readers contemplating their own familial legacies.
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