A woman has taken to Reddit to express her growing discomfort with her fiancé, a homicide detective, revealing that he records their arguments and conducts background checks on her friends and family, making her feel like a suspect rather than a partner.
Posting in the subreddit r/relationship_advice, the 32-year-old woman detailed her concerns about her fiancé’s increasingly controlling behavior, which has come to light during their four-year relationship. Initially, she brushed off warnings from friends and family who cautioned against dating a police officer, believing they were based on stereotypes rather than genuine concerns.
However, her feelings began to shift when she discovered a folder on his computer, labeled with dates and times, containing recordings of their arguments from over a year. Previously, he had claimed he recorded their disputes to improve communication, assuring her that he deleted the recordings afterward. Finding out that he had been lying was not just unsettling; it made her question his trust in her.
The issue escalated when she noticed his suspicious behavior during conversations, where he would interrogate her about minor changes in her actions. He also admitted to running background checks on some of her friends and colleagues, raising concerns about his invasion of privacy.
His cryptic comments, such as “I only trust what I can verify,” further contributed to her apprehension. This vague distrust left her feeling uneasy, as it seemed to extend beyond his work and into their personal life. The fiancé’s strange habits included stepping out for hours under the guise of “handling work stuff,” which only added to her discomfort.
Another aspect that troubled her was his remarks about their future children. He expressed intentions to track them at all times and forbade them from having sleepovers or spending the night at friends’ houses. He insisted on conducting background checks on their friends’ parents, indicating a level of control over their children that made her feel anxious about the kind of upbringing they would have.
The woman began to question how to address her concerns without triggering another recorded argument. She contemplated suggesting therapy for her fiancé, hoping it would help him manage his paranoia and mistrust. However, she feared he would reject the idea outright.
As she shared her experience, other Reddit users pointed out alarming patterns in his behavior. One reader warned her that his controlling attitude could lead to further abusive dynamics, while others suggested that her fiancé’s actions resembled coercive control. They highlighted the importance of recognizing red flags early on.
Advisors on the thread urged her to consider whether she could truly be happy in a relationship where she felt monitored and scrutinized. One person remarked that good people don’t stockpile evidence against their partners “just in case.” Such insights made her reflect on her relationship more critically, questioning the foundation of love and trust they had built.
In subsequent comments, she revealed that she still loved her fiancé and found enjoyment in their time together. However, she faced the daunting task of reconciling her feelings with the reality of his troubling behavior. She began to recognize that the deeper issues he faced could complicate their future, especially regarding the children they intended to have.
A significant realization hit her when she acknowledged that while she felt secure in their relationship most days, she could not overlook the potential for his behavior to escalate. The idea of raising children under such strict surveillance and control left her feeling uneasy. Ultimately, she was left wondering if she could raise a family in an environment led by someone who prioritized control over trust.
After some reflection, she decided to take a step back and spend time away from her fiancé, seeking clarity on their relationship. Despite her love for him, she must evaluate whether this relationship could evolve into something healthy and supportive, especially for future children.
As she weighs her options, she is torn between her feelings for her fiancé and the unsettling reality of his behavior. The community’s feedback has left her contemplating her next steps regarding the relationship and the possibility of a future family.
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