A 23-year-old nonbinary individual recently shared their frustration over their mother’s progress in a 12-step recovery program, specifically her claim of reaching the final step without addressing past grievances. After spending much of their life in a household plagued by their mother’s alcoholism, they were taken aback to learn that their mother had not attempted to make amends with them.
Their mother, 49, had a history of becoming verbally and physically abusive, particularly when under the influence of alcohol. During these episodes, the young person would often be targeted, leading to a childhood marked by fear and trauma. The individual described feelings of being dismissed by family members when they tried to voice their grievances, often being told that they were overreacting due to their size and gender identity.
Years of emotional turmoil culminated in a diagnosis of Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a condition stemming largely from interactions with their mother. The mother’s behaviors included seeking them out specifically during bouts of drinking and retaliating with aggression when they resisted her advances. This history made the news of her recovery feel both hollow and conflicting.
After her stint in rehab, the mother expressed a vague apology, which the nonbinary individual quickly brushed off, feeling that it lacked sincerity. It was later revealed that her motivation for entering rehab was not a realization of the damage she inflicted on her child but rather an incident involving her husband and younger son, where she displayed violent tendencies. This made the situation all the more painful for the young person, who had hoped for genuine reflection and change.
Despite her claims of working through the 12 steps, the mother revealed that she was starting Step 12, the final step, which focuses on carrying the message of recovery to others. The individual felt a pang of disbelief, knowing that the crucial steps of making amends—steps 8 and 9—had seemingly been overlooked. This omission struck them as indicative of a deeper issue: their mother’s refusal to acknowledge the significant harm she had caused.
In conversations with friends familiar with the 12-step program, insight emerged that reinforced the young person’s feelings. One friend, who also participated in the program, pointed out that genuine recovery requires taking responsibility for past actions, especially when harm has been done. This perspective only intensified the individual’s anger and sadness about their mother’s lack of accountability.
Living in the same household with their parents, the nonbinary person is confronted daily by the very dynamics they are trying to escape. Their father, who has historically defended their mother’s actions, continues to downplay the severity of the situation, believing that the mother’s sobriety should be the focus. This attitude leaves the young person feeling trapped between familial loyalty and personal healing.
In light of their mother’s current path and the lack of acknowledgment regarding the past, they feel it is necessary to prioritize their own mental health. Commenting on the situation, one individual suggested that focusing on oneself is critical, especially when one lives in an environment that perpetuates trauma. Another reader voiced concern that the mother’s engagement with recovery was not about true reform but rather a way to appear better to the outside world without addressing the underlying issues.
The tension in the household is palpable. The nonbinary person grapples with the duality of feeling relief over their mother’s sobriety while simultaneously mourning the lack of a genuine reconciliation. They have stepped into therapy to navigate these complex emotions, yet the absence of concrete steps from their mother weighs heavily on their heart.
As they consider confronting their mother about the steps she has skipped, they are faced with uncertainty. How can genuine healing occur without addressing the past harm? The individual is left wrestling with the decision of whether to speak up or allow the situation to remain as is, impacting their own recovery journey.
More from Vinyl and Velvet:
Leave a Reply