An adopted teen, now 18 years old, is seeking to distance himself from his birth parents who envisioned a closer relationship following an open adoption. He took to Reddit to share his feelings about the situation, explaining how his birth parents expected their bond to deepen as he matured.
Raised by his adoptive parents, the young man described a structured relationship with his birth family. They exchanged letters and photographs regularly, and his birth parents visited him once a year. This arrangement created a sense of normalcy for him, but as he grew older, his birth parents’ expectations began to clash with his reality.
He claimed that his birth parents developed a “one-sided” relationship in their minds, believing he would naturally want to spend more time with them now that he is an adult. In stark contrast, he feels a stronger connection to his adoptive parents and siblings, stating, “My parents are my mom and dad who raised me.” His bonds with them overshadow any emotional ties he has with his birth parents.
This summer, the tension escalated when his birth parents expressed disappointment over his reluctance to stay with them for an extended visit. They used the birthday of one of his birth siblings as leverage, indicating he should prioritize that connection over his existing plans. He felt caught between their expectations and his own life, prompting him to think critically about the relationship he has with them.
He noted that his birth parents often referred to his siblings as “those other kids,” which only deepened his feelings of disconnection. They seemed to overlook his emotions when they insisted that everyone involved in his adoption should expect an evolving relationship. This notion left him frustrated, as he does not share the same desires they have.
In crafting an email to his birth parents, he is expressing his desire to halt their relationship, carefully balancing his message with both kindness and firmness. Despite his sense of obligation to articulate his feelings, he struggles with guilt over potentially hurting their feelings. “I question whether I’m being unfair when they’re not really the worst,” he wrote, revealing his internal conflict. He acknowledges their part in providing him with a better life and feels torn about how to address their current expectations.
One person advised him to consider how he genuinely feels and urged, “Your feelings are valid; don’t feel pressured to maintain a relationship that doesn’t serve you.” Another reader suggested that he should prioritize his emotional well-being and that it’s perfectly okay to want distance from any relationship that feels burdensome.
As pressure builds from his birth parents, the teen maintains that he does not feel a strong connection to them or even to his birth siblings, who were born in the years following his adoption. Reflecting on his upbringing, he finds solace in having grown up with his adoptive family, who he feels knows him inside and out. Their connection is rooted in everyday life, unlike the distant bond he shares with his birth family.
Despite feeling grateful for the life his birth parents afforded him, he believes that they are blinded by their own wants and feelings. He points out that his birth parents seem unaware of his need for autonomy in deciding who is part of his life. As he prepares to send his email, he expresses doubt about whether he is being too harsh and questions the fairness of fully cutting ties.
The young man’s story sheds light on the complex dynamics of open adoption and the differing expectations that can arise as children grow into adulthood. There can be a significant emotional burden when one party feels more invested than the other, especially in familial relationships. He is left to navigate his own feelings while considering the desires of those who brought him into the world.
As he nears the completion of his email, he still grapples with the implications of his decision and whether to maintain any form of contact. “The fact they want a more active relationship with me is not something I am open to at all,” he asserts, making it clear he is not interested in their version of a family relationship.
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