How did a whole generation of kids make it through the 1980s in one piece? That is the question comedian @dan_regan_comedy asks, and his answer is a funny, slightly scary tour of the toys and treats that Gen X grew up with.
The bit is built around four things, from heavy metal-tipped lawn darts to a candy that practically fizzed in your mouth. Anyone who spent summers in the 1980s will be nodding, wincing, and laughing at the same time.
First Up: Lawn Darts, Or Jarts
He starts with lawn darts, which he says were known as Jarts. They were 12 inch weighted darts with metal tips. The box described the game as a game of fun and skill for all ages. The object was to toss them as close as you could to circular targets in the grass.
But, as he jokes, the real skill of the game was staying alive, because kids ended up throwing them at each other. He compares it to an intense game of tag. He also points out that the box said to look to Sears for uncommon value, and quips that it should have also said uncommon sense. The darts were banned in 1988 due to serious injuries and fatalities. The modern version, he says, is safer, with soft rounded plastic tips, and he cannot believe it took that long for someone to realize that something like medieval horseshoes, one that could turn into a felony, was not a great idea.
Next: Clackers, Or Kerbangers
Number two is a toy he calls a toy from hell: kerbangers or clackers, depending on where you are from. They were the hit of playgrounds everywhere. His own memory is painfully personal. He says he still has the scars from a kerbanger incident back in 1988.
Candy On Paper
Third on the list is the candy that kids used to peel off of a strip of paper. He says he does not know whose bright idea it was to put candy dots on a long sheet of paper, but they were a hit. The catch was that when you ate the candy, you often ate a bit of the paper along with it. He jokes that he is sure a coupon is still swimming around in his stomach somewhere.
And The Fizzy Classic: Pop Rocks
His final item is the one he calls the 80s classic: Pop Rocks. He says the candy was legendary and spawned a lot of stories and myths. He gives a nod to the most famous one with a quick tribute to Mikey, and then wonders aloud what was happening in the factory. Did somebody say that sugar was not enough, and that it also needed to detonate?
The Real Story Behind The Jokes
Behind the laughs, a few of these items have real history worth knowing.
Lawn darts. According to Wikipedia’s entry on the game, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission banned lawn darts in 1988. The same source reports that from 1980 to 1988, about 6,100 Americans went to emergency rooms because of lawn dart accidents, and most of those hurt were 15 or younger. If you still have an old set in the garage, the commission has urged families to dispose of them rather than hand them down.
The trouble had been building for years. The same article says that back in 1970 the Food and Drug Administration classified sharp-pointed lawn darts as a mechanical hazard and allowed them to be sold only with a warning label and instructions, and not in toy stores or toy departments. The commission’s vote to ban them outright came on May 25, 1988. Canada followed in July 1989, after at least 55 serious injuries, and selling used darts there is also illegal. At least three children died in the United States before the ban.
Clackers. The same type of toy, two hard balls on a string, was popular in the late 1960s and early 1970s. Early glass versions could shatter, and later acrylic ones sometimes broke apart when the balls struck each other. After reports of children being hurt, they were pulled from the market in the United States and Canada. That helps explain why a kid in 1988 might still be swinging a set that had made the rounds through older siblings.
Pop Rocks. The candy was patented in 1961 by General Foods chemists, and, according to this history of Pop Rocks, it reached the U.S. market in 1976. The legend he alludes to claimed that Mikey from the old cereal commercials died after eating Pop Rocks with cola. That story is false. The actor who played Mikey did not die, and the rumor was tested and debunked. General Foods even ran newspaper ads in 1979 to reassure the public.
Why We Love Looking Back
It is easy to laugh at the list now, but it was just normal life at the time. Kids spent summer afternoons outside, built their own entertainment, and traded war stories about scrapes and bruises. Toy companies and parents did not have the safety standards that exist today. Some of that was lucky, and some of it was not.
Gen X humor often walks right up to that line, pairing affection for the era with a healthy dose of disbelief. It also gives boomer parents and grandparents a chance to say, hey, we remember the same stuff.
A Quick Safety Check For Old Toys
If this has you digging through boxes in the attic, here are a few simple tips.
- Do not hand down old lawn darts. Throw them away. They are no longer legal to sell new in the U.S.
- Be careful with vintage clackers. Old hard balls may crack. Keep them as display pieces, not playthings.
- Check any vintage toy before giving it to a child. Look for sharp edges, loose parts, and flaking paint.
- Keep the stories alive. Photos, boxes, and funny memories are the best things to pass along.
So, which one got you? The lawn dart that landed a little too close, the clackers that left a mark, the candy paper, or the fizzy surprise of a first Pop Rock? However you survived the 80s, you are clearly a person who knows how to tell a good story about it.
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