A 27-year-old trans woman from the UK opened up on Reddit about her lifelong struggles with mental health, revealing a harrowing journey that includes suicidal thoughts from an early age. In her post, she shared that she has been suicidal since age five, stemming from a lifetime of instability and trauma, including years spent bouncing between shelters and foster homes.
She recounted a particularly painful memory from her childhood: a woman at a domestic violence shelter told her that it was “disgusting” for “boys” like her to be allowed in the facility, insinuating that they would grow up to be violent. This kind of harassment, she noted, affected not just her but her mother and younger sister as well, as they fought to maintain some semblance of a normal life amidst chaos.
Even as she approached her teenage years, the thoughts of wanting to disappear intensified. At just 12, she began to self-harm and struggle with her body image, pulling out her hair and intentionally starving herself to avoid looking like her male classmates. By 14, she was in foster care and oscillated between extremes of overeating and starving to control her body, a battle that continues to haunt her. Now, she describes herself as 5’7” and 110 kg, unsure how to find balance in her eating habits.
At 17, after graduating college, she faced a moment of despair when she found herself stranded without bus fare. Hoping to end her life, she stood by the side of a busy road, but in a twist of fate, a police car pulled up to help her instead. She recalls making excuses and returning home, but the experience left her feeling even more invisible as no one checked in on her.
She reflects on that day with a sense of nostalgia, expressing a twisted romanticism for the moment when she believed she could have ended her pain. “If only I waited a little longer,” she writes, highlighting the tormenting thoughts that linger even now. Her mental health battles have persisted through the years, with attempts to take her life slowing to about once a year since she began her transition in 2020, yet despite finding some happiness and alignment with her gender identity, the dark thoughts remain.
She vividly recalls an incident earlier this year when a man yanked her out of a women’s bathroom, a traumatic reminder of the dangers she still faces. While she now experiences less misgendering and feels happier than she has in years, her struggles are far from over. Every night, she still goes to bed wishing she wouldn’t wake up. Mornings are often filled with tears as she prepares for work, overwhelmed by a sense of impending doom that clouds her happiness.
“Even once I have happiness, I still want to die more,” she writes, conveying the confusion and depth of her pain. In her mind, seeking escape would be pointless; she fears becoming a nameless statistic in discussions about trans lives and suicides, reduced to an example rather than a person.
In her post, she questions the purpose of expressing her feelings, hinting at fear of being misunderstood or dismissed if she were to voice them in therapy. This hesitation underscores the stigma that can surround mental health within marginalized communities. Perhaps sharing her story online felt safer than confronting a professional, where she feared being labeled and perhaps hospitalized for her thoughts.
In response to her story, readers expressed a mix of empathy and concern. One person related to her feelings of despair, saying it’s hard for many to understand the continuous cycle of hope and hopelessness. Another reader emphasized the importance of reaching out for help, recognizing that sharing her story bravely might prompt others to do the same.
The thread illustrates a community grappling with their own battles while trying to support one another. Many emphasized that her life has intrinsic value, urging her to seek out connections and support within the trans and mental health communities, where understanding and acceptance can be found.
Despite the supportive feedback, the original poster remains unsure about her next steps. She continues to wrestle with deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy and fear, complicating her path toward healing. Her journey highlights the complexities of mental health, especially within the context of gender identity, and raises questions about the societal pressures faced by those who feel they must prove their worth just to exist.
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